As if…

I picked up four lads who were on a stag do in rural Norfolk. They were staying on a boat on the Broads, but wanted to go into Norwich for the last few hours of drinking. Rather than going the long way round via the main roads, I chose instead to take the back roads to our fine city.

As we travelled through the winding lanes in the pitch black countryside, one of the lads looked up, and surveyed the landscape with confusion.

“Where the @&£% are we?” he exclaimed. “I have no @&£%ing idea where we are.”

Before I could answer, he eyed me with suspicion. “You’re not taking us dogging, are you?”

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Surely Not…

I took home a wonderful, and endearingly inebriated lady doctor, who worked as a locum gynaecologist. She had just been visiting with colleagues from her university days, and they had enjoyed a fantastic night together, drinking, catching up, and swapping clinical stories. Obviously, this was too good an opportunity to miss, so I asked her if she would share her most memorable clinical incident to date.

She had been working a family planning clinic, in a rural area, when she was asked to attend to a patient in some distress. The patient was female, mortified, and reluctant to disclose her troubles. Eventually, with careful and sensitive questioning, the locum deduced that the patient had… erm… experienced an unusual accident, while alone in the privacy of her own home, which had led to an Unexpected Item becoming lodged firmly in an Unmentionable Place. The item was the lid from a roll-on deodorant bottle. The place remains unmentionable.

The poor patient was deeply embarrassed, and refused to go to the local hospital. The locum gynaecologist examined her carefully, and confirmed that indeed, the Unexpected Item was resolutely wedged in the Unmentionable Place. The locum assessed the situation with an appropriately grave demeanour.

The most appropriate course of action would be to transport the lady to the local hospital, and have the Item removed from the Place under anaesthetic. However, this was not an option for our increasingly mortified patient. The locum took pity on her. “I will get this out for you,” she vowed.

Indeed, the locum tried. She tried a whole variety of methods, involving forceps and other dastardly medical implements, manual dexterity, and exceedingly careful manipulation, but to no avail. The Unexpected Item remained securely located within the Unmentionable Place. The locum’s eyes travelled around the room, and lit upon the Mother of all Speculums. (Uninformed men, google “speculum” as an image, and let your minds contemplate the full horrors. Women, stop wincing. Men: we women all know precisely what that this undoubtably male-invented tool of torture does.)

Armed with a considerable amount of lubricant, the locum seized the contraption, and advanced upon the helpless but desperate patient. With great skill, and a spectacular turn of phrase, the locum, in her own words (which made me shout aloud with laughter as she related the tale),

“Jacked her wide open and Got It Out!”

Success!!! We celebrated together the locum’s cunning, persistence, and determination to spare the lady a trip to the local hospital, while I wiped tears of laughter (and sympathy) from my eyes. Brilliant.

Back at Base, I related this tale to my colleagues.

“A deodorant lid? Are you Sure?” quipped a driver. “Why would anyone do that?!”

“Perhaps she acted on Impulse” said our lovely telephonist.

“Poor woman,” I said. “You can see why she would want to keep Mum.”

Chronic

I picked up four students, three girls and a boy, at the end of their alcohol-fuelled night out. Their accents reeked of childhood gymkhanas and croquet lawns.

They were debating their imminent sleeping arrangements at the ear-splitting volume of people who haven’t yet adjusted their voices to the fact that they are no longer in a club. Such voices have an exceedingly short life-span in my cab

One girl, sitting behind me, was delighted to discover that I was a female taxi driver. Apparently, I had made her night.

“You’ve had a pretty crap night, then,” I remarked, smiling.

We broke into conversational groups. I chatted with the lovely girl next to me, whom I recognised from a previous journey. The girl behind me was determined to try to dominate the conversation. Suddenly she shrieked, “ANAL SEX?!!! That’s DISGUSTING!”

The girl next to me froze in her seat, as horrified as her friend, but for entirely different reasons.

“I think that’s a conversation that we should continue at home,” she said hastily, staring fixedly ahead.

“Oh, don’t mind me,” I offered. “I’ve heard worse.”

(In actual fact, earlier in the evening, I had a frank discussion about a variety of types of adult work with a lap-dancer, whom I was taking to her workplace. As she got out of my cab, she remarked,

“That was a lovely journey. I wish more people were as open-minded as you!”)

Back to the students. While the other two girls cringed in their seats, and the lad regretted starting the conversation in my presence, the loud girl continued with a succinct explanation of exactly why she thought anal sex was disgusting.

It transpired that her primary concerns revolved around both the logistics and the hygienic feasibility. Her upbringing might have been refined, but her choice of vocabulary was not.

The boy was insistent that these potential hazards could be overcome.

“It’s like, if the girl had a poo, like six hours before, it would probably be ok,” he insisted. “Or, she could have a chronic irrigation.”

As I fought to maintain my composure, my hand flew to my mouth, in an effort to stifle my mirth. They mistook this for revulsion, and apologised profusely and sincerely as they left.

Ah, students. The gift that just keeps on giving.